i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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