Umm I'm too high to move.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
