i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
