Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
