This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
