she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
