everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
