He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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