AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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