I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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