Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
