I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
