My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
