Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
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