explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
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