listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
