Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
