I molested 6 butterflies tonight
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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