I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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