They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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