don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
