I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
