this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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