I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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