you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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