I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
