I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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