I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just forgot I was standing up.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
