Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
