Little spoons don't ask big questions
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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