i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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