I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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