we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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