my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
