I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
