I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
