Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
