Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
