the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
