I'm so fucking centered right now
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
