i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
