I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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