this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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