recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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