please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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