Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
