I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
