I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
