im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
