No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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