How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
