There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
