this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
