yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
